HEALTHY MARRIAGE AND FAMILY LIFE: Resolving Marital Conflicts (Christian Perspective)

The Bible reminds us in Proverbs 4:7 that “Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding.” This is true especially in marriage. Research and life experience have shown that the more we are open to godly learning, scriptural teaching, Holy Spirit-led mentoring, and the impartation of seasoned spiritual leaders, the better our lives, our service in the Kingdom, and our marriages will become.

Unfortunately, many believers step into marriage without adequate biblical training, premarital counselling, or spiritual guidance. Christian marriage schools and church-based marriage classes are only just becoming common. As a result, many enter into marriage with ignorance, making repeated mistakes that damage the home.

One area that has been sadly neglected is marital conflict—yet it’s a reality that many couples face every day. Regrettably, some spiritual leaders have not been sincere in discussing their own marital challenges. One minister once said, “I have never quarrelled with my wife.” But the reality is that even Spirit-filled couples can experience disagreements. The important thing is not whether conflict happens, but how it is handled in a godly and peaceful manner.

A. UNDERSTANDING MARITAL CONFLICT – Scriptures: Acts 15:36–39; Galatians 2:11–21

Even among apostles in the Bible, we see instances of conflict. Paul and Barnabas had a sharp disagreement (Acts 15), and Paul confronted Peter over hypocrisy (Gal. 2). Conflict happens when:

• People have differing opinions, backgrounds, and understanding
• There’s disunity over decisions
• Expectations are not met
• There are misunderstandings and miscommunications

Key Realities About Conflict:

• Even godly couples will face conflict, especially in the early years of marriage.
• Challenges and tough seasons are bound to come—if they haven’t yet, they eventually will.
• Conflict is part of human life—it’s natural due to our differences.
• Conflict itself is neutral—what makes it destructive or constructive is how we handle it.
• Conflict is normal—even Christian leaders, church workers, friends, and couples experience it.

While conflict is natural, combat is optional.

Even the tongue and teeth may clash, yet they continue to live in the same mouth. Similarly, two people coming together from different backgrounds, tribes, families, social classes, and levels of spiritual maturity will go through seasons of adjustment. But with God’s help, peace can be restored.

B. COMMON CAUSES OF CONFLICT IN CHRISTIAN MARRIAGES

It’s important to understand that each marriage is unique. What causes strife in one home might not cause it in another. Likewise, a solution that worked for another couple may not work for yours. However, there are common areas where many Christian homes face conflict:

1. Cultural Shock – Beliefs like “the woman is property” or “the man is only a provider” cause imbalance and pain.
2. Money Matters – How income is earned, spent, or shared can become a major source of strife.
3. Sexual Matters – Disagreement over frequency, intimacy styles, and sexual expectations.
4. Children – Differences over how many children to have, their gender preference, spacing, and parenting methods.
5. Friendships – Tensions around how close friends should be to the couple.
6. In-laws – Whether they should live with the couple or not, and how they are treated by both spouses.
7. Negative Attitudes – Unwillingness to let go of laziness, pride, selfishness, or harsh behaviour.
8. Jealousy – Suspicion, mistrust, and unjust accusations.
9. Food and Domestic Skills – Issues over delayed meals or poor cooking abilities.
10. Ministry Differences – Struggles when both spouses are serving in church, especially on roles or cooperation.
11. Adultery – Infidelity, close relationships with the opposite sex, or involvement with others outside the marriage, including having a child out of wedlock.

Many conflicts in Christian leaders’ homes revolve around these 11 points. Sadly, due to poor conflict resolution skills, many homes are suffering. Most couples—even Spirit-filled ones—are not adequately equipped to manage these issues, and as a result, their marriages become unhealthy and vulnerable to breakdown.

C. HOW COUPLES TYPICALLY HANDLE CONFLICTS

There is good news: some couples have successfully managed their conflicts and grown stronger through them. However, most Christian marriages are at risk because proper godly skills for handling disagreement are absent.

Here are 5 common ways couples react to marital conflict:

1. Total War – This includes physical fights, verbal abuse, packing out of the home, court battles, and ultimately divorce.
2. Cold War – Couples become bitter, keep malice, sleep in separate rooms, avoid coming home, and even refuse to eat each other’s food.
3. Suppression – One spouse suffers silently due to threats or fear, pretending everything is fine while being emotionally tormented.
4. Isolation – Withholding affection, communication, intimacy, or financial support as a form of punishment.
5. Interaction (The Godly Way) – Sitting down with your spouse, being willing to compromise, listen, forgive, adjust, and possibly involving a godly mentor or marriage counsellor.

Sadly, most couples choose the first four ungodly reactions, which only escalate issues. Separation and divorce are not biblical solutions to conflict. What you fail to resolve now will still show up later, even in another marriage, until you learn to handle it God’s way.

Recommended Reading
Child Adoption And Foster Parenting
Developing The Fruits of the Spirit
20 Practicable Ideas For A Successful marriage

D. BIBLICAL PRINCIPLES FOR RESOLVING MARITAL CONFLICTS – Scriptures: 1 Cor. 14:20, 40; 2 Tim. 4:11

Resolving conflict takes spiritual maturity, humility, and grace. Disagreements won’t magically disappear; they require intentional action. Here are godly principles to apply:

1. Maturity of Heart – Marriage is not for the spiritually immature or easily offended. You need spiritual stamina and maturity (Hebrews 5:14).
2. Forgiving Spirit – Marriage is a lifelong journey of forgiving and being forgiven (Eph. 4:32).
3. Personal Initiative – Take the first step to make peace. It’s not weakness—it’s spiritual strength (Matt. 5:23-24).
4. Commitment to Each Other – Your commitment should be covenant-based, not just feelings-based. Love is a decision.
5. Spiritual Mentorship – Have a godly couple or spiritual authority you both respect and can be accountable to (Prov. 11:14).
6. Marriage Counselling – Keep learning. Attend Christian marriage seminars and read biblical resources.
7. Endurance and Patience – Some issues take time. Sometimes all you need is to bear with one another in love (Col. 3:13).
8. Flexibility and Change – Be willing to change your approach, apologise, and make adjustments (James 3:17).
9. Power of Prayer – Take it to God. Intercede for your spouse and ask the Holy Spirit to intervene. Prayer can soften any heart and open any closed door (James 5:16).

It is better to “jaw-jaw” (talk things out) than to “war-war” (fight).
Let us pursue peace and be peacemakers in our homes.

As children of God, we must be intentional about resolving marital conflicts in a Christlike way. By applying these biblical principles, your home can become a model of peace, love, and unity—reflecting the relationship between Christ and His Church.