THE HEALTHY PASTOR: THE RELATIONAL SKILL OF A HEALTHY PASTOR

Ministry is much more about people than properties and structures. Ministry is relating with different kinds of men and women. Getting along with people is the most important skill a gospel minister can possess. From my research and experiences in ministry, most ministers have little or no relational skills, the more reason they make much negative impact than positive ones.

Research confirms that 60% of ministers fight with their members weekly. Lots of ministers take advantage of others, defraud, hold grudges, malice and backstab others in ministry. More than any other time, modern ministers must possess healthy relational skills if they are going to make impact and leave lasting legacy in ministry.

A. BIBLICAL FOUNDATION Romans 12:10, 17-21; 2 Cor. 13:11-12; Phil.2:1-4; Col. 3:12-15; 2 Tim. 2:24-26.

It is impossible to live and do ministry in isolation – we need to relate with others. Relationship is the ability to get along and go along with different kinds of people. ‘One another’ is a theme that ran through the New Testament. We are commanded to love, obey, help, greet, pray, forgive, forbear, assist, challenge, relieve and lift ‘one another’. You must acquire, hone and sharpen the skill to be relationally healthy.

1. Faith revolves around relationships: vertical with God and horizontal with people.
2. If your relational skills are weak, your ministry will always suffer.
3. Your ability to get along with people will determine your impact or impression.
4. You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.
5. Ministers are lonely because they spend all their time building walls instead of bridges.
6. 90% of living and ministry consist of getting along with different kinds of people.
7. If you want to go fast, go alone. But if you want to go far, go together.
8. People do not care how much you know until they know how much you care.
9. One relationship can lift you up or demote and destroy you in life and ministry.
10. The devil always destroys ministers by removing them from good relationships.
11. Close the doors of relationship gently, you might need to go through it again.

True relationship cannot be forced but must be formed over period of time. Godly relationship is not for self-benefit but mutual benefit – a win-win situation. Godly relationship is give and take.

B. KINDS OF RELATIONSHIP IN MINISTRY-John 13:34-35

It is possible to have covenant, close, occasional and distant relationship with people. It all depends on you whether you will have surface, structured, secure or solid relationship with others. The following are crucial relationships of life and ministry:

1. Relationship with God – Nurture it through obedience, praises, prayers, His word and doing His will-Matt. 26:42
2. Relationship with your Immediate Family – If it doesn’t work at home, it won’t work anywhere.
3. Relationship with your Members/Staff – Love, care, sacrifice, forbearance, integrity.
4. Relationship with your Associates Model, mentoring and care, concern and fair play.
5. Relationship with your Community Kindness, good works and conscious good image.
6. Relationship with your Leaders Respect, honour, support and faithfulness.
7. Relationship with Visitors and Strangers – Warm, nice, greetings and smile.

You must relate with seniors, colleagues and juniors in life and ministry – Paul’s, Barnabas and Timothy levels. Each of these relationships will nurture a strength or weakness in you. These relationships will either add to you, divide you, subtract from you or multiply you and your ministry. Furthermore, ministers have allowed bitterness, selfishness, quick temper, impatience, unforgiving spirit, money, untruthfulness, rumors and covetousness to ruin these important relationships of their life and ministry.

C. THE RELATIONALLY POOR AND WEAK MINISTER – 1 Samuel 25:1-42; Acts 24:16

Most ministers are like Nabal – they become so consumed with their work and personal lives that they neglect, use, abandon, hurt and defraud people that are closest to them. Most ministers are suspicious of people, keep them at arms- length, use them as ladder to climb up and spit on them; superiority complex, deception and dominance, takes offence and get angry too quickly and unforgiving.

1. Failure to relate with yourself well.
2. Insecurity and inferiority complex.
3. Always frowning, sarcastic and critical.
4. 4 Taking advantage of platforms and opportunities.
5. Relating on basis of what you want to gain.
6. 6 Backsliding, rumors, lying against others.
7. Running away from those you have injured.
8. Sly, slippery and chameleon-like behaviours.
9. Breaking relationships that have nurtured you.
10. Excreting in the pot you once ate from.
11. Relating based on what is said about your brother.
12. I once gave a platform to a minister and he went there to close doors against me.
13. A minister once boasted that my ministry will close down in two years.
14. A minister left a ministry and did everything possible to run down that ministry.
15. A minister went to many churches to have inappropriate relationship with members.
16. Two pastors fought physically over a church and their members joined them.

Recommended Reading
HOW TO PASTOR AND NOT FAIL
Top Ten Lessons on Forgiveness
20 Practicable Ideas For A Successful marriage
Top Ten Lessons from the Ant

D. THE RELATIONALLY STRONG MINISTER Proverbs 15:1; 1 Thess. 5:14; Col. 3:12; 1 Cor. 13:4

As a minister, you cannot afford to be relationally. poor or weak. It will make you to live and work in bitterness. You must place great value on people ‘and show respect to all and sundry.

a. Smile to people – Your dressing is not complete until you put on a smile. 5

b. Speak to people – The tone and tenor of your voice matters.

c. Know people’s names – It shows you are thoughtful.

e. Be friendly and helpful – It will open doors for you.

f. Be cordial – Respect begat respect. Have genuine interest in people – People can smell your intention miles away.

g. Be generous with praise Sarcastic people don’t draw good people.

h. Be considerate of the feelings of others – It makes you a pleasant fellow.

i. Be thoughtful of the opinion of others shows you are not full of yourself.

j. Be alert to give service – It is your doorway to greatness.

k. Don’t defraud others It shows you are good and honest.

l. Be grateful to others – It shows you are not an ingrate.

m. Forgive and overlook insults – It shows you have a large heart.

n. Be longsuffering and patient with people – It shows your Christ-likeness.

E. 10 FACTS YOU MUST KNOW ABOUT PEOPLE

People are the greatest assets of ministry and ministers. The more you develop and sharpen your people-skills, the better for you and your ministry.

1. People are insecure Give them confidence.
2. People like to feel special Sincerely compliment them.
3. People look for better tomorrow – Show them hope.
4. People need to be understood – Study and listen to them.
5. People lack direction – Navigate for them.
6. People are lonely – Be a good friend and companion.
7. People are basically selfish Speak to their needs first.
8. People get emotionally low – Encourage in cash and kind.
9. People want to succeed Help them to win.
10. People seek models and heroes – Be an inspiring example.

As you relate with people in ministry, some will hurt you. However, you can reduce the chances of people hurting you by:

1. Having no skeleton in your cupboard.
2. Understand that a friend today might become an enemy tomorrow.
3. Stop expecting payback and gratitude from people.
4. Practice forgiveness and forbearance all the time.
5. Don’t ever set out to hurt others especially those that have helped you.
6. Do what is right always.
7. Stop putting people on a pedestal.
8. Allow yourself to be cheated and don’t retaliate.

With all these values in place in your heart and life, you can really relate with all kinds of people and not be bitter in life and ministry.